We All Have Narcissism: Why That’s Normal—And How We Heal

 We All Have Narcissism: Why That’s Normal—And How We Heal

If you’ve ever cringed at your reflection after making a mistake, or felt the sting of needing others to admire you, you’re not alone. In fact, you’re human.

As I say in The United States of Disconnection:

“If you’ve ever wanted to be liked, needed others to see your best side, or cringed when confronted with your faults—congratulations, you have narcissism. So do I. So does everyone.”

Narcissism isn’t just the dramatic behavior we see in politics or the controlling patterns of an abusive partner. At its core, narcissism is an adaptation. It is the armor we develop to protect our tender selves when it wasn’t safe to be fully seen.

And when we can begin to view narcissism through the lens of compassion, rather than shame, we open the door to healing.

Narcissism as a Trauma Adaptation

We begin life self-centered. Babies cry to be fed. Toddlers throw tantrums when frustrated. But in healthy environments, with caregivers who respond, soothe, and mirror us, we grow beyond that stage. We develop empathy, resilience, and self-regulation.

But what happens when those mirrors aren’t there—or worse, when they distort us?

We learn to perform instead of connect. We cover up our fear and shame with perfectionism, charm, or bravado. We create what Dr. Ramani Durvasula calls narcissistic adaptations—survival strategies that made sense at the time, but leave us emotionally disconnected later in life.

Narcissism is not ego gone wild. It’s the scar tissue left by unmet needs.

My Story: A Broken Mirror

When I was ten, I said to my mother, “He doesn’t know how to imagine what it’s like to be me.” I was talking about my father—charming to outsiders, distant at home.

If I succeeded, I was praised. If I cried, he withdrew. I learned that visibility required performance.

So I smiled. I excelled. I pretended.

But underneath? I ached.

Many of us have similar stories. We traded authenticity for belonging, only to realize much later that we had lost our compass.

The Cultural Mirror

This isn’t just personal—it’s cultural. In North America, we celebrate individualism, dominance, and performance. We reward the mask, not the authenticity beneath it.

Brené Brown reminds us: “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.”

Narcissism, whether covert or grandiose, is often shame’s disguise.

This helps us understand why certain political figures who display narcissistic traits can feel so familiar, even comforting, to millions of people. They are reflecting the disconnection and fear many of us already carry.

From Defense to Recovery

The good news? If you recognize yourself in this, it’s not cause for shame—it’s cause for hope. Awareness is the first step to healing.

As I remind readers:

“Healing begins with the willingness to turn toward the parts of us that hurt.”_The United States Of D…

Recovery from narcissism isn’t about losing yourself. It’s about becoming whole. It’s about choosing connection over control, curiosity over performance, authenticity over fear.

Love Loops™: A Pathway Forward

That’s why I created the concept of Love Loops™—moments of mutual empathy, vulnerability, and repair. They are the antidote to narcissistic disconnection.

In practice, Love Loops look like:

• Naming our patterns.

• Asking for repair when we’ve hurt someone.

• Learning to co-regulate with safe others.

• Becoming a trustworthy mirror for those we love.

The opposite of narcissism isn’t self-hate—it’s relational courage.

Reflection Questions

• When do I feel I need to “prove” myself to be worthy?

• Who taught me that love had to be earned?

• What parts of me were never mirrored back with kindness?

• When have I mistaken performance for connection?

These aren’t meant for blame—they’re meant for becoming.

Gratitude Moment 🌿

Pause today and name one person who has mirrored you with kindness, even in your imperfection. Take a breath of gratitude for them—and if you feel able, let them know. That small act of appreciation reinforces connection, both for you and for them.

Takeaway

We all carry narcissism. It isn’t a diagnosis to fear, but a call to growth. When we soften our defenses and choose connection, we return to what makes us human: love, belonging, and empathy.

Healing begins with compassion—for ourselves, and for one another.